I came across this note I wrote on Facebook 2 years ago. I am sharing this here in hopes that it serves you and bring uplifting message that with God, all things are possible. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
Happy New Year!!! Come on in, 2013… I am ready for you.
December 30, 2012 at 7:13pm
I did not make it a secret that I spent all of 2012 contemplating on where I was not at peace with myself. I have bought so many books, hardbound, electronic and audio… some started and set aside for later, some paved way to the next book, and some I might never ever get to read.
I am amazed to find I already had this one book yet I kept searching and searching for more books, only to come back to it now and finally put it all together, not just conceptualize, but to make it a practice. I guess it’s all about readiness…
I don’t decide on what to read or do anymore… I just allow what needs to happen manifest through me… with non-judgment, non-resistance, non-attachment… its a new way of thinking I adopted and put into practice this year… and use as a tool to surf the waves to this sea of life.
And I find, time and again, as when I was raising the kids solo, what I need is already here. It’s already provided for. I just had to allow it to happen.
I know I have shared countless quotes, articles and clippings more than you care for on what resonates with me… and if I can sum up everything I have learned in 2012… it actually is something I already know… that we already know… And that is:
WITH GOD EVERYTHING IS POSSIBLE
I have always had a strong awareness and took responsibility for my actions, thoughts and deeds. I hardly complained or blamed, expected or asked for help. I was aware I was always guided and blessed, hence I always have a positive outlook and healthy disposition.
This same awareness, however, also saw and recognized the growing defensiveness and anger I became powerless to control, deny or suppress.
Early this year, 2012, like an overstretched balloon, I popped with a vengeance … unable to hold anything in anymore… and had nothing left to give… I was aware of how unforgiving I was that I allowed myself to become this angry and sinister monster.
I don’t know if Don Miguel Ruiz‘s book helped or worsened how I felt. But the book, The Four Agreements, definitely opened my eyes to my growing self-loathing.
“A sin is anything that you do which goes against yourself.” I became acutely aware of my self-doubt, confusion and self-flagellation becoming relentless and even more pronounced, thus, I sunk deeper into depression. I honestly did not want to live anymore and look at the failure I had become… the ME I saw in the mirror was unrecognizable… a reflection of weakness and conflict and pain.
I had nothing else to hold on to except my faith and the same awareness that there has got to be something more than the empty shell I had become. The love for my kids… they kept me alive… But nothing made me feel whole… not my new marriage, not my jobs, not the properties I owned, not any of my relationships…
I had everything I could ever want for yet aware something huge was missing… ME.
WITH GOD, EVERYTHING IS POSSIBLE.
Despite knowing my life is full of blessings, even when I was sharply aware of miracles upon miracles, I was also aware I was on a downward path to depression. I was aware of it spiraling out of control. I was constantly aware of my conflicted thoughts and I was aware that I checked out and resigned, convinced I was not strong enough.
I found myself wanting to die.
Yet in the same breath, I found myself fighting very hard for my kids and my marriage. I was cheerful and happy when with friends and family, yet deeply aware and helpless of the darkness and neediness setting in.
When I focused on the WHYs, I found myself in a never-ending loop of self-blame, hate and judgment.
But then six months into my marriage a priest miraculously manifested in my life… an answered prayer that lets me know God heard my ultimatum just the night before… asking HIM to either take my life or take away the pain… a definite and irrefutable sign from HIM that lets me know I am never alone and all that I need is here and now…
I just needed to SHUT UP and LISTEN to witness the biggest miracle of my life… one that opened my mind and heart to fully let HIM in, not that I ever closed the door on HIM, coz even in my darkest hour, I was praying to HIM, talking to HIM, crying to HIM… but to completely surrender to HIM and allow HIM to reign over me.
Thy will be done.
WITH GOD, EVERYTHING IS POSSIBLE.
If there was one AHA moment that freed me, that one tile of domino that took all the tiles of illusion down… it was realizing that it was ME, my very own thoughts that kept ME imprisoned and stunted.
Growing up, I promised myself so many things: That I will never be a doormat. I will never be a medicine cabinet. I will never be used and abused. I will never be a martyr. I will never be disrespected. I will never be told what to do. I will never marry a drunk.
I grew up observing that people disrespect each other… that people are hypocrites… that people preach love but stab each other in the back… that people betray, disappoint, abandon…
That people break their promises… that people’s words do not amount to anything… that people would rather tear you down and punish than to build up and praise… They call it character building – which I abhor!
And! People have the audacity to say I LOVE YOU and never really mean it. I refused to be those people. I promised myself especially after divorcing my first husband, not to let anyone dishonor me and my kids… and that meant pushing and keeping A LOT OF PEOPLE out of my life…
I realize now the error in my thinking… that all my ill-perceived convictions meant never allowing myself to truly love and be loved… I always said, I am what I am, what you see is what you get… but boy, was I ever so wrong. There’s so much more to me that’s still hiding… So much potential waiting, wanting, yearning, fighting to emerge…
And so, unwillingly at first, I became aware of the wall giving out… crumbling and crashing… to give my second marriage a chance… while I silently cried and clawed and fought and screamed and gasped for air… at every brick, at every veil, at every mask removed…
Discarding the automatic programming of the subconscious mind… the coping and defensive mechanisms… all necessary at one time… but had to be let go and released for they were weighing me down… all obstruction to the peace I had been yearning for…
And now at last I am free… and it feels FANTASTIC. I am smiling at the freedom, victorious at the power that is real, and is mine, and savoring this sweet, loving Presence, this free flowing consciousness of openness and truth, vulnerability and courage, acceptance and joy… for finally at last… I AM HOME TO ME.
WITH GOD, ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE.
Lent of 2012 was the single most excruciatingly painful time of my life…. maybe because I allowed myself to feel for the very first time… There was nowhere to escape to… I outed myself out. Only one thing I could do was to fully embrace and own my fear and resistance… not suppress, not repress, not deny… but understand my fears and thought processes.
Hence the birth of my page, Silence the Mind. Free the Heart. I didn’t necessarily understand what was happening. I just knew I needed to overcome the lifeless being I was becoming.
I was aware I had two choices.
1) Bury it, deny it and take drugs or alcohol. I already had the prescription drugs to numb the pain. But I couldn’t get myself to take it not even to save my life.
2) Acknowledge it, own up to it and fight it tooth and nail. The death of Whitney Houston helped seal that choice.
Despite feeling helpless, I was compelled to understand her death, physically, emotionally, socially, financially and spiritually. Why? Why would someone like her, with all her gifts, talents, abilities and charisma abandon herself?… Why do we allow ourselves to self-destruct?
Surely we can control our thoughts and actions, can we not? I could not. Not on my own.
Not without God’s miracles present in each and one of us, present in some of you who helped me through some really dark times without knowing I was ready to turn in my timesheet for good.
The questions ceased when I finally opened up about the depression that was eating my life away. Its power over me dissipated. Not overnight. I wish it was that quick of an ordeal. I regressed more times than I care to count or journal about. But with each small victory came empowerment and liberation.
Somewhere, somehow when I surrendered to God all my weaknesses and failures, I was also given the power to transcend and be enlightened to my own truth and strengths.
WITH GOD, ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE.
A lot of us grew up knowing this, believing this. Yet, it is our own conditioned mind that negates it… disempowering us into insecurities, despair, fear, lack and limitation.
I am too old. I am too weak. It cannot be done. There is just no way. It’s very difficult. It will take a long time. I am afraid. It is too risky. It’s inappropriate. I can’t afford it. I deserve this punishment. It’s not how we do things around here. They won’t approve. It’s never been done before. I can’t. I just can’t.
So many damned excuses. I never was one to make excuses, or so I thought, yet I caught myself with so many self-negating and disempowering statements because I felt and believed I was being judged or felt undeserving.
Time to retire ALL the self-destructive and self-limiting beliefs and excuses… Time to embody who we are meant to be… and just BE. Be free of blame, rejection, judgment, and sabotaging behaviors. And be empowered to release the Self that is yearning to BE.
This 2013, I vow and welcome the opportunity to show myself and others willing to make a change, that we are limitless beings quite capable of creating a life that affirms God’s presence in our life.
WE CAN MAKE THINGS HAPPEN… despite what the fear-mindedness constantly scream in our ears… WE CAN befriend our fears and TRANSCEND our limitations and self-imprisonment.
We CAN live a life that we deserve… one that celebrates our being… one that is filled with happiness, joy, abundance and peace… one that is an embodiment of LOVE.
Now and forevermore, I banish all excuses and default failure mechanisms, and invoke WITH GOD ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE. With God, I am whole, perfect and complete.
And with this resolve is my wish and prayer for all my loved ones and friends, a very Happy New Year and a life filled with God’s blessings.
It doesn’t mean our wont have its ups and downs. It means, we are at peace with WHO WE ARE and God’s purpose for us.
May 2013 be a manifestation of God’s love and abundance in all areas of our life: Physical, Spiritual, Psychological, Intellectual, Emotional, Financial, and Social and Family. To our health and well being – body, mind and spirit.
Love to one and all.