Dear 2017,
First let me thank you. I can’t acknowledge you enough for everything that transpired this year. The lessons I got from you was the deepest excavation of what is no longer resonant with who I was becoming. You were tough. You almost had me check out. Oh wait, more of that in a bit. Let me fully acknowledge you for really being tough on me. So tough that that I had to be real honest with myself once and for all. So thank you.
You almost had me check out. There was a long period where I just didn’t have enough reason to participate in life anymore. Yet you had me participating anyway. Especially when a new president was inaugurated this year.
That was the day I pulled something out of a hat to birth “Unlocking the Heart of Money”. I had never felt that much courage, boldness and passion. I chose not to wallow in negativity and used the event to create something good for my own highest good and highest good of those who resonated with my message.
That in itself astounded me. The power, the energy, all of a sudden in full force coming out of nowhere. The creative process bedazzled me. From thought to things. From an idea into form.
And then, just when it was going so good that I thought, “I got it. Woooohoooo I freakin’ finally got it”, you pulled the rug from under me again, and again, and again, and again. Until I said ENOUGH!
I am doing all I can to follow this soul urge, this soul purpose, and if all you are doing is yank it again and again out of my hands, then get me out of here. I want none of this shit.
The least you could do is support me when I have given it all up. I have surrendered everything. i have abandoned all that I know and believed was me. There is nothing left of me. Get me outta here. I am done.
Wow.
No wonder you kept yanking the rug from underneath me.
Clearly, I still could not see the lesson.
The lesson that I was not supposed to abandon me.
But I thought that was what was required.
Full surrender.
Full abandonment.
But that was just the same people pleasing mechanism that had me confused since my incarnation.
The amount of photonic light you bombarded our way to finally wake up was insane. Dude!!! That was exhilarating and exhausting all in one breath.
There were moments I was blissed out of my senses. And those moments thankfully slowly replaced, emphasis on ever so slowly, the waiting literally killed me, the ego aspect of me, it slowly replaced moments of not wanting to be here, of just checking out.
For a long time, no matter what was going on around me, whether my heart wall was being pulverized into unrecognizable dust, or blissed out in contentment and miracles, I just wanted to go home. I didn’t see the point of sticking around. I wanted out.
Then, one day, it dawned on me, hmmm, damn it, I am still waiting to be rescued. The part of me that knows that is bullshit woke up and took back authorship and command of her own life.
I mean, really, after all that inner work and teaching people what I myself needed to learn, I was still waiting for a big neon sign or a prince charming to sweep me off my feet to make me feel I belong and I am welcome here?
That was insane and all parts of me rebelled at the idea.
I kept choosing me even when I knew I was shitting myself. I kept choosing me even it seemed no one else chose me. It’s like my universe was asking, are you sure? Are you really sure you wanna stick around?
And then there would be moments I would scream back, well you wouldn’t take me back so I might as well have fun while I am here! You drive me nuts! I don’t know what you want from me, and until you tell me, I will just mess around and have fun in the process.
I kept choosing me. Until it clicked. Until it felt right. Until I felt I truly belonged.
I had to choose it.
One bizarre evening, I was up til 3 am, high from creativity. I was drawing and painting nonstop. Prior to this year, Art and I barely knew each other. Then it just happened spontaneously. I couldn’t stop sketching and coloring and painting. Like my life depended on it.
That night, I mean, morning, I went to bed seeing the usual colors of magenta and gold that I had been seeing in my third eye for few years now. Like a dancing flames, swirling around, mesmerizingly soft and gentle.
It didn’t matter that my eyes are closed or open, or that I am talking or driving with someone. I see those colors, and when i do, I know I am in synch, in alignment, and fully supported.
That evening just before i closed my eyes, while playing with magenta and gold, I noticed they turned into electric threads. It felt, well, electric. It was so different. And I liked the different colors of blue and red that were present.
At the same time, as I lay in bed, I noticed dark shadows in the corner of the ceiling right above me.
Magenta and Gold and the electric lights disappeared.
And a cloud of darkness all of a sudden hovered over me.
Angel of death quickly came to mind.
I told it, “I choose to stay. I am not done here. I have work to do. I don’t know who you are. You have no dominion over me. I want to sleep. I am gonna close my eyes. You have no permission to take over me while I sleep.”
It didn’t budge.
My eyes are still open. My brain is scrambling for answers. I knew I was not making it up. I’ve had many playtimes with lights and colors and angels to know I was not disillusioned. It took me a while to fully embrace this dimension of me.
I wondered if that was my own dark shadows wanting to integrate. But just to be safe i declared:
“I only interact with the highest frequency of light. I repeat, you have no dominion over me. Just the same, THANK YOU. I am sure you are here to teach me a big lesson. So thank you.
Then all of a sudden the dark mist transformed into black ribbons falling from the top of the ceiling to almost touching my nose. It was beautiful, yet startled me a bit.
I laughed at the audacity.
I took a breath. I scanned my body for any resistance, tightness, any evidence of fear.
None.
I was calm when I should have been freaking out and screaming at the top of my lungs.
Instead… I felt powerful. Beyond measure.
I began reciting –
“I am Divine Light. I am Divine Love. I am one with God and God is everything. I am Divine Light. I am Divine Love. I am one with God and God is everything.”
And all of a sudden, as if the neighbor woke up and shone a flash light right through my window, a huge bright light flowed in and illuminated my entire bedroom swallowing up the black ribbon that was taunting me.
Just like that, the shadow dissipated.
For a few nights afterwards, I kept checking that bedroom corner for traces of the dark shadow, or evidence of what had transpired.
But it didn’t matter. That moment liberated me. For I unequivocally ended or reversed all disempowering meanings and stories I may have created about my coming into being.
So 2018, thank you.
There were countless bizarre moments that blew all constructs of my mind into oblivion. Moments of newness and curiosity and never before experienced realities.
Moments I made a fool of myself doing facebook lives on my private FB wall just to claim me and breakthrough the funk and the fog that had me feeling so lost and confused.
Then later, moments of absolute clarity, certainty and inner power after realizing that even after being tossed back into confusion and frustration back and forth annoyingly countless times that the recovery period was a lot quicker, and shorter and easier each time.
My tolerance to my own and other people’s drama and bullshit? ZERO.
My compassion? through the roof! Unquantifiable.
The veil is eternally pierced. The mask has fallen. My eyes could see. Beyond shadows of doubt.
But in that one particular bizarre moment, with the black ribbons showing up and taunting me, something miraculous shifted forever more deep within inside of me.
In that moment, I chose. Regardless of all that has happened, I chose unequivocally to stay and to be here and to take back the fullness of my power.
In that moment, and for all eternity, my soul resurrected from deep within and now alive and grounded, and merged in my beingness.
In that moment, my own light turned up, in volumes, and will no longer be dimmed down.
In that moment, I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, I experienced and declared what I had been longing and yearning to be.
To merge with and embody Unity Consciousness.
I am Divine Light, I am Divine Love. I am that I am.
It was a moment I had been waiting for.
I am committed to Awakening, Freedom, and Enlightenment.
Thank you, 2017. Hello there, 2018! I sense infinite play with infinite possibilities in our future.
And so it is.