Loss of Identity

I feel so blessed to have been given an opportunity to coach a very smart, driven and self-made young woman. I just know in my heart that she will transform many lives and it thrills me to support her in a way that liberates her from her self-limiting identity back to her Unique Self.

During our coaching call, I couldn’t help but admire the same fighter in me that I recognize in her – her ability to defy the odds and succeed at overcoming any obstacles and limitations that gets in her way. It gave me great joy to light up the passionate, fiery, and determined woman I see and know will stop at nothing to unleash the fire within and fulfill her deepest calling at highest level of contribution.

She has made so much progress in life and we identified during our session her limiting pattern of “nosediving to helpless state” as well as a limiting belief that “no matter what I do, I can’t really fix this”.

As if she needed fixing.

Still, when I challenged her to let go of this identity that only limits her and no longer serves her, she admitted there’s a huge resistance. And fear. Fear of letting go.

Why are we so afraid of letting go of an old identity? Particularly when this identity conjures a self-image that is broken and damaged?

Why accept the brokenness as truth and not see it as a lie and illusion?

Why defend it? Why cope with it?

Photo by Farzad Sedaghat from Pexels

I facilitated the conversation to help her come to her own realization and breakthrough why she she keeps doing a certain pattern – feigning helplessness when she knows she is strong and quite capable.

Her pattern was to vacillate from being driven, competent and highly motivated to feeling helpless and powerless. It’s a crazy eight. She would wait until she feels so empty before she fills up her need for significance and connection and the only way she knows how is with self-pity, which she realizes is very damaging.

We all have need for certainty, variety, significance, love & connection, growth and contribution. With self-awareness comes the understanding why we behave a certain way and how we can fill our needs at highly sustainable level rather than wait for our deprived need to hijack us.

I can’t remember how this came up in the conversation but I shared that my old pattern was to withdraw, shut down and not speak with my husband whenever I disapprove of his behavior. Sure, I enjoyed the chase afterwards, the flowers and the make up sex but only until the “promise to change” got broken again.

I was feeling frustrated, angry and hopeless at my inability to affect and inspire change.

Then one day something clicked. I realized it is when I separate myself and withhold love that I would be in deepest pain and suffering.

Not only that, to wait for him or anybody to make me feel good is giving away my power. 

Why should I wait and rely on someone else to turn on or off my own happiness? Why should let someone else control my own state of mind?

I shared with her how I decided to break my pattern by doing what seemed like counter intuitive. Instead of withdrawing and withholding love, I practiced becoming loving. I changed my identity to someone who loved with no expectation of anything in return. I kept practicing until it became a way of being.

So how can I break my own pattern and fill my own needs without using helplessness as a way to connect with myself, she asked.

Turn self pity into self love, appreciation and approval. This means zero self judgment.

Let go of the false identity, walls, masks, barriers, coping habits and defensive mechanisms that were first installed out of our need for safety, protection and survival.

Be love.

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”  ~Rumi

When you truly love, accept and approve of yourself, you cease constantly proving your worth and demanding and fighting for love. Only when you practice self-love can you truly experience the fullness of being, giving and receiving love.

So how do I practice self-love, she asked?

Start by becoming aware of your thoughts. Where you are disowning, judging or making yourself wrong. Listen to your own self-talk. Watch where you are letting yourself down, where you are putting yourself last in the priority list. Break up with your inner critic.

Be fully present, not trapped in the past nor worried about the future. Be here and now and consciously decide what you need to let go of and who do you have to be. You get to create your new identity that is aligned with your deepest and truest desires.

Finally, see where you can regain trust with yourself by being your word and following through on your promises to yourself. I will be sharing more on how to love yourself unconditionally on the next blog.

The honor and privilege of coaching people who are called to do great things like this remarkable young woman bring me so much joy and fulfillment.

We are each put on earth to contribute beyond ourselves. If you are ready to step up and show up and would like some support, I would love to help.  Click here to schedule a free 45 minute coaching consultation or email me at Tess@openheartmindcoaching.com to ask your questions on how to break free on what’s holding you back.