Pain of Purposelessness

I am struck today.

2 days in a row, I helped clients struggling with the pain of purposelessness.

I struggled with this pain too. In fact, save for the 15 years I was thriving as a single mom, I either was depressed or feeling some sense of not belonging, because I wasn’t clear on why the heck I even came to earth.

At the age of maybe 7 until 10, when I got reprimanded, or things got chaotic, or I felt totally abandoned and left out, I would go to bed in tears.

I would pray to God, sobbing, pleading, please just take me back. I want to come home. Please. Why did you send me here?

I’d forgotten about that period of my childhood where I would lay in bed, arms wide open to the side, my body shaped like a cross, my face down, refusing to live in this world of chaos and discord.

I went through childhood not relating to kids of same age, and just so I was not made fun of, I went along, mimicked their interests, but for the most part, I was content playing, talking with, and singing to myself.

High School, College and adulthood made me forget about my silent wish and prayer. I found my place in the academic world, graduated with honors, migrated with my family to Canada, and enjoyed the process of going out in the real world.

Then I found my purpose. Motherhood. Nothing swayed me from my purpose. Not the fact that my children’s father, my first husband, left me trapped, deportable and all alone here in the US 21 years ago. Not the fact that I had no family, no friends, no job, no financial and support from anybody.

I was on track. On course. I had no money in my purse, but I had a compelling future. I had a reason to live. I was on fire.

The pain of purposelessness started pricking me, which soon after turned into outright badgering, a mockery to my face, when I turned 40 and my kids seemed happy on their own, not needing me as much.

See, I lived for the week-ends. To spend as much time with my children as possible. To reclaim my childhood and joy I didn’t remember having.

And then, playdates became more important. And my whole identity built around the sole purpose of being a mom, crumbled. And I lost myself. I started to drift. And just focused on staying afloat. I simply rode with the waves not knowing how to navigate life or make it my own.

It is interesting that the clients who are drawn to me lately are the same. Strong and passionate. Ambitious and driven. They’ve overcome so much. They’ve accomplished so much.

And yet, they do not see themselves. They know, they are aware of what they can do, and that they can do it. But they are running out of steam. They are so lost in the pointlessness of it all.

One client who had invested quite a bit of time listening to motivational talks said, I’ve just been struggling and fighting so much, that the idea of owning my life, of navigating it to where I want to go, is such an alien concept. But I really have to break this cycle of storms and disasters.

When I questioned another client about what legacy he’d like to leave behind, he said, Tess, I have all these skills. I spent a ton of money investing on courses and training to make me be a better facilitator of transformation. But I feel empty inside. I have nothing to give. I don’t even know why I am here.

And again, just this morning, I heard the same theme. The pain of pointlessness of it all. Getting lost in the not knowing of the purpose.

And this is what inspired me to write about it. This pain of purposelessness.

This search for purpose has people go in searches, high and low, for love, for happiness, for contentment, for joy, in all the wrong places.

Why? Because we are asking the wrong question.

The question I was stuck in is – “What’s the point?”

And when I cannot answer that question, it disempowers me. It literally sets me off on a negative spiral… to bottomless despair and confusion.

Messages out there that preaches about “start with the why” pisses me right off.

Because it sends a message that you need a reason to be here. It might work for people who are clear with their purpose. But for people who are struggling to find their purpose, asking them for a why is a very self-defeating,  disempowering question.

I discovered that for my clients, WHY, just like my “What’s the point?” was the wrong first question to ask.

I’d been tossed around, thrown about by “fate” and “cosmic 2x4s” trying to get me to learn what I am about to share with you. And that is –

What if you don’t need a reason to be here?

What if, as a creator being, as an image and likeness of the Infinite Divine Intelligence, Love, Beauty, Creativity, you do not need a reason.

If God is within you, walking on earth as you, and through you, would God need a reason?

See how starting with WHY? is a trap. Because if you aren’t clear or connected with a noble purpose, you feel like a huge disappointment, a waste of space and time and energy.

Scrap WHY. For now. Why is the second question.

The first question is – WHAT?

What do you want to create?

As a creator being, born with your stubborn personality because you refuse to be reduced in a sea of conformity, what, as the face and of God would you like to create at this moment?

Feel the POWER of that.

Feel the TRUTH of that.

Feel your soul rejoicing saying YES, YES, YES.

So… What do you want to create and experience right this moment?

No need to be magnanimous about it. They really are simple answers.

Hmmmm…. What do I want to create and experience and express in this moment?

I choose to sprinkle joy, lightness and laughter in tense conversations.

I choose to experience peace and gratitude even when I am shoveling 10 inches of snow. Wow, to experience peace in the vastness of white, wow, I feel so close to my creator.

At this moment I am choosing to experience love even when my daughter is yelling at me. And when that fails, I choose to forgive myself because I am every bit of human.

Do you feel the freedom in that? That is the freedom you already have when you choose to exercise your POWER OF CHOICE.

What do I want?

What do I want to create?

What do I want to experience?

What does your heart and soul deeply long for to create and do and experience?

Ask your heart. Not your mind.

My clients, just like I did, got so used to living in struggle and safety and security, as dictated by the fear mentality of the mind, that they forgot that they have the Power of Choice. Built-in. Already. In the heart.

Now, after you asked WHAT, go ahead and ask WHY.

Connecting with the WHY of your WHAT creates a compelling future.

Just like my what. I wanted to be the best mom for my kids. Why? Because I want to give them a bright future. Why? Because I did not birth them so they struggle with life. Why? Because I want to give them what I was not given access to. Why? Because it is what my heart truly wants to do. I have dreamt of having kids since I was 17. I yearned for them. I dreamt about them. I want to give them a great head start in life.

THAT is what had me create from thoughts to things, from ideas to form, from invisible to visible… because I was connected with my WHAT and with my WHY.

When I got turned away from a crisis center with a 2 year old and a 4 month baby because I was not a US citizen (yet) and without my husband’s visa I was immediately deportable (but couldn’t leave or I will be charged with kidnapping) I did not have the luxury of time to ask WHY.

I knew my WHAT. And my WHY I already knew and started flooding back to me when I got clear on what I wanted for my kids.

The next questions are WHO and then HOW.

Who will you have to be to create/receive/generate what you want. Will you be fearful and doubtful? Or will you be a warrior, a goddess, a change-maker?

Only when you’ve connected with the first 3 questions, can you now access the HOW. Coz you are no longer functioning from need and lack. But from the knowingness that you can and you will and even if you don’t know how, you will find a way.

If you are struggling with the purposelessness of life, and would in need a sounding board, feel free to email me at Tess@tessvergara.com