Can you believe it’s almost Christmas? There’s so much uncertainty around us, and even in my own personal space, that it’s a bit of a challenge to get into the Christmas spirit.
For the first time, I spent Thanksgiving, and will spend Christmas, without my children… it’s the sad part of empty nesting I had mentally and emotionally prepared for, and still feeling my way around for.
And as it turned out, I am the one who is back in “my nest” where I lived some 22 years ago, here in the beautiful and picturesque, Vancouver, BC, with my Mom and my siblings.
Two months ago, while I was still in Hawaii, I got a call from my Mom who was a little distressed over her lab results. Since I coach from anywhere in the world via Skype or phone, I decided I could make a few changes and visit her.
I am very grateful that I can coach, attend meetings and training from anywhere in the world from my smart phone and laptop. It sure feels comforting to be cocooned in familiar love, warmth and laughter while I silently miss my own family especially this time of the year.
I was so happy that one of my sisters also came here for a visit. We had a lovely time, and we laughed and sang and teased and played. I was like a kid all over again.
But then, right after she left, I was very present with something bubbling up inside me. Something unsavory I was not able to identify right away, but it was there rising up.
Initially, I thought, hmmm… it’s that “people pleasing” disease again, isn’t it? See, I pushed everything on my calendar to spend time with Mom, and then again for my sister. But no, it wasn’t it. It didn’t resonate.
So I just sat with it, didn’t press, didn’t push, just patiently stayed with it without judgment and invited it to fully come out in the open, trusting that it is here to give me a message.
It’s a familiar feeling, this void, this restlessness, a wanting to just disappear and get away from it all.
I recognized it, welcomed it and had a chat with it. I even plotted with it. The resistance did loosen up.
As I was writing on my journal, I realized there was a pressure building up inside of me. I had some goals I set aside and a lot of unmet expectations.
A part of me was only seeing what is not going right in my life, where I made mistakes, where I failed, where I did not show up. As much as I abide by zero self judgment policy, there was a lot of grief and accompanying shame and insecurity… and fear and self-doubt.
When self doubt seeps in, self-trust gets compromised, integrity gets questioned. Then it all spirals down from there, feeling like a fraud, feeling like a fool, blaming yourself, questioning if the sacrifices you made was all worth it.
I sat with it. I cried with it. I grieved with it. I released the shame and blame and resentment for everything I gave up and lost, and everything else deep within me that is not vibrating love.
I made a note of where I failed and made mistakes and forgave myself, all of me, all parts of me – the stubborn, the proud, the one that don’t settle for less, the one that demands respect, the one that hides, and one who’d rather avoid life… all of them…
But its still not enough to regain full self-trust. I need to take full responsibility else I am back to feeling disconnected and out of alignment in no time at all.
So I asked, where is the void really coming from? What did I start and not finish? Where am I feeling incomplete? Where am I conflicted? Where am I getting in my own way?
Now, don’t get me wrong. I am truly grateful for all of 2015. It was a phenomenal year. The best year of my life. Ever.
But I need to take action to bring me back in deeper alignment with myself and bring forth that sense of fulfillment and satisfaction that me, myself and I am denying myself.
Last year, the answer was to complete my RMT certification. I argued that I was already certified elsewhere, hence, don’t need another certification.
Ahhhh… But there’s power in completion. And there is nothing like it.
And this year, the answer was like a sore thumb that stuck out.
And… drum roll please…. tada… VIDEO!
Yeah… I did not follow through on my promise to do video footage of my Europe trip. It may be no big deal, really, no one got hurt, right? But deep inside, a part of me knows I am out of integrity, not just video, but a whole lot of other things.
Which breeds self doubt, self-distrust, insecurity….
Which erodes confidence, which erodes self esteem, which limits self expression…
So, as you can see, a mere sorry to myself just wont cut it. I need to take some massive action to get myself out of the rut I dug myself into.
So, to add on to 12 days of free coaching that I launched on 12/12 on my facebook page, I decided to do 12 days of video blogs. And you are reading the first installment.
As I mentioned on the video below, I have no agenda, this all just came to me last night as I was sobbing while reviewing my year. So for 12 days, off the cuff, I will just share with you what I am present with (insights, gems, ahas) and have it be my present to you this Christmas.
So, here you are… here’s Video #1…
And to wrap up this blog #1, my invitation to you is – SELF-FORGIVENESS and POWER OF COMPLETION.
Where are you feeling a void or incomplete and how can you be present with it without shame, judgment and blame? Would you now listen to parts of you who may be feeling neglected, abandoned or left out so it can be heard and seen, and so you can gain insight from your own wisdom?
We are all doing the best we can. This Christmas, may we learn to forgive ourselves, be more compassionate and at peace from with ourselves, so we can then project it out into the world and shower it with love, forgiveness and peace that it needs so very badly.
Peace and blessings to you this season of giving.