I deserve to be…

My mother was back at the hospital this week. Thankfully she was released the next day. Hard as she tried to keep her spirits up so as not to worry me, her voice gave away how weak and tired she felt.

Feeling helpless all day long, all I could think about was another conversation with my mother which has now inspired me to write. She was experiencing a lot of pain and discomfort. Ever faithful to God, she believes her sacrifices would earn His favor, forgiveness and her salvation.

I reminded her that God is a loving God. Whatever we perceive as failures and shortcomings, we need to let go and forgive. She shrugged it off saying “Oo, anak. Alam ko na yan. Napag-uusapan lang naman.” (Yes, daughter. I know that. It’s just coming up as conversation)

Yet, for as long as I can remember, she’s always in pain and suffering. (Big sigh)

Oh, the many sacrifices my mother made.

I remember when I was very young, she would walk on her knees from the church’s door all the way to the altar praying and beseeching God for help. She loved us so much she pawned herself as a sacrifice so that we (my father and us, their 6 children) would be spared of suffering and blessed with good life. 

Because of my mother and my Catholic education from kindergarten to university, my faith is strong. But unlike my mom, I wasn’t so outward professing my faith. Growing up, I was quite confused and conflicted of what to me seemed hypocritical, overly superstitious and somewhat fanatical customs and traditions that, although I respected as part of my culture, was not something I embodied.

My prayers are a private conversation and sharing with God of my every joy, every heartache, every confusion. As a child, I would seek solace in Him and cry myself to sleep. I would wake up cheerful again forgetting why I was upset.

I realize now this was a coping mechanism. To escape in my own thoughts, in my own paradise, where I am one with God.

So as you can see, I installed a totally different belief than my mother’s. Neither one is good or bad nor better or worse than the other. I am just demonstrating here how beliefs and agreements with one’s self are created and how we have the power and choice to change them when they no longer align with our highest good.

My belief was simple. I was not meant to suffer and I will not knowingly cause harm and suffering to others. I hated the idea of hurting anyone which explains for long, strenuous, on again, off again romances. But if someone did hurt me, a family member, friend or a lover, I was gone. Just like that.

So in other words, unlike my mother, I wasn’t what you’d consider devout or religious. Which got my poor mother concerned, which I can now understand and appreciate, but certainly not then, while in search for my own personal truth, happiness and freedom.

photo credits: www.LeeSiePhotography.com

As I got older, I would playfully provoke my mother with outlandish stories because I got tired of being defensive. See, my mom’s usual response whether or not I was in trouble was to tell me to pray and go to church.

As if my circumstances were a punishment from God. (My own projection).

The constant suggestion that I had fallen from grace was infuriating. (My filters. My perspective. Its the meaning I fabricated). Especially because I was just doing the best I could to mind my own business, put food on the table and support my children. (My story).

And quite the opposite of falling from grace, I feel so very blessed and guided to have been given the means to raise my daughters alone for 15 years. He made sure I was surrounded by angels even when I am here all alone, away from my family, in Minneapolis.

Then and now, I always say, God gives us what we need and more even before I ask. Everything is provided for. All I have to do is open my eyes to see, and arms to receive, His blessings. Now this is a belief I choose to keep.

Ironically, I also believed it was my mother’s prayers (I called her my hotline to God) that spared me from strife and hardship. Only recently, seeing through all my feigned confidence, did I acknowledge myself for my part in all that I ever accomplished in life.

Why? Because at some level, even though I resisted it, the belief that “If I misbehave, God will punish me” was planted deep down in my psyche. I had forgotten about this, but it was there, silently taunting me and kept me in the straight and narrow. 

It was agonizing to confront this belief, but I came to terms with it and chose to let it go.

This is a false belief and conditioning. 

“Nothing in life is more traumatizing than having a
Punishing God judge every move you make from childhood to adulthood”
……

Which brings me back to why I am again writing my thoughts on negative beliefs. This is my way of transforming my own growing worries into something good and constructive. This is my way of hugging my mother who is sick at time of writing with hopes that this serves you too.

(Mama, this is for you. I just want to take pause and celebrate you. You are an amazing, beautiful, phenomenal woman. We do recognize your great love, devotion and sacrifices for your children. You have suffered enough. Feel my love and energy. I wish you freedom from sickness, pain and suffering. I wish you all the peace, well-being, joy and happiness you deserve and so much more. I love you.)

This image of a Punishing God is nothing but a distortion and misconception of the human mind. It is a projection of man’s own perceived weaknesses, limitation and fearfulness to God.

Beliefs like this can affect our sense of well-being. Guilt, shame and resentment from fear of punishment and rejection manifests in the body as stress, anxiety, depression, fatigue, or other illnesses.

As mentioned in my previous blog, I Will Survive, it’s important to examine what beliefs are implanted in our mind because they create our experience. 

If you believe you are unworthy, not good enough, not loved and/or deserve to be punished for wrongdoings, you create experiences in your reality that matches that belief. Your thoughts, conscious or unconscious, creates a reality of illness, pain and suffering.

Another example. If you believe that money is not spiritual, or its the root of all evil, you will come up with blocks and resistance preventing you to prosper financially because you believe it is against God’s will and/or you will be punished.

“Nothing in life is more purifying than finding out
in later years that this Punishing God never existed at all!”

Is a newborn baby worthy of love? What does a baby have to do to deserve love? Yup. Absolutely nothing. Just as nothing is required of you to deserve to be loved truly, completely and unconditionally.

“God is Love” (1 John 4:8)

God’s love is unconditional. He doesn’t love us because we finally convinced Him we are lovable. 

God loves us because He is love. 

God says, “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving kindness” (Jeremiah 31:3).

Because God is love, I know from the core of my being, He loves me no matter what. He loves me not based on what I accomplished or failed to do. There is nothing I can do to make Him love me more or love me less than He already does for I am enough. 

“Whoever does not love does not know god, because God is love.” (1 John 4:8)

Whoever does not love has not fully opened up to receive and give love. Our own self-judgments and consternation blocks us from fully loving, being and receiving this Divine love.

This is not about religion or worshiping God less or more. It’s about you forgiving yourself and embracing all parts of you, including particularly and especially the parts you judged or disowned as bad, wrong, sinful and ugly.

It’s about accepting, approving and loving yourself completely, wholly and unconditionally for all that you are and for all who you really are. 

It is not God punishing you, but you punishing you, by not seeing, acknowledging, claiming and embodying your own wholeness and divinity. God only wants you to have abundant life and joy.

It’s not your fault or anyone’s. We all create or adopt beliefs that may have served us at some point in time. Some will keep coming up to the surface until you challenge it and let it go because it is limiting your own sense of self, power and creativity and embracing your divine being.

To keep hanging on to what is not contributing to your highest and greatest good is blocking the very thing you seek and desire – good health, love, prosperity, happiness. 

“Nothing in life is more exhilarating than uncovering
one’s own divine powers to create waves of loving abundance
by releasing unto the world a LOVING GOD madly in love with all.”

-Daisy Ba-ad

You are the one in control of your own experiences. Whatever you focus on, you bring about. You get to choose and decide the quality of your experience by the quality of your thoughts, beliefs and desires. You get to choose between health or sickness, abundance or poverty, peace or war. 

Find the truth within yourself. Let go of your suffering. You deserve to enjoy great health and vitality, wealth and prosperity, love and relationships.

God never wanted for you to suffer. God only wants you to have abundant life and joy.

3 thoughts on “I deserve to be…”

  1. Tess, this is the best version of the type of life I have lived also. It has opened my eyes to what was, what is and what will be. Thank you. This is beautiful.

  2. Dee, I am really happy to hear this article served you. Thank you for reading and taking the time to comment. Your feedback inspires me to keep on going. Much love.

  3. What a great story – and it makes so much sense. You have come to such great realisations – and have been able to rise in love to your challenges in such a beautiful way – and with such honour of some of the harder ways they came about – beautiful. Such wisdom within this piece. Thank you Tess.

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